I will say that this week was exceptionally hard, as Dad alluded too. Sitting in the ENT doctor's office as she was going through the images and explaining that the damage was permanent, I drifted away. Maybe if I didn't listen and just focused on the sound of the heater she would disappear; be wrong somehow. She was explaining in office vs OR options for temporary fixes (months!). I couldn't deal with this.
You know, people always complimented my voice - oddly, my nail ladies - at three different salons. I kind of wondered if it was like when someone says "you have a pretty face" but deep down, knew it was true. I had a great voice. In fact, when thinking of things I could do for a career if it turns out I am unable to return to my job, I had often thought of writ ing or being a voice over actress.
So here is this doctor telling me that in addition to everything else - the cancer, the spinal taps, the chemo, the MRIs, the months in the hospital, the chemo, the low platelets and easy bruising, the headaches and blindness, the fatigue, the weakness, the forgetfulness, ….. my vocal damage was permanent.
I'm not sure how to say it but somehow this was worse than everything else. This, took away more control, more voice.
I know that my speaking voice is not 100% gone. I know that speaking is not the only way to be an advocate or fight for young adults with cancer - myself and my peers. But, this was particularly hard news to weather.
In addition, tomorrow, as Dad mentioned on the bridge, they plan to hospitalize me to do this desensitization. I hate writing that word -it is annoying to spell out and to say. But, all I can say is I really hope it is only for one day. I tend to feel like hospitals suck you in and they find more wrong with you.
Finally, here are the shots from my underwater session! No voice or eyesight is necessary for these - I could feel the water and movement. Erena is truly a talented artist and I feel honored to have these photos. It was so exciting to get to cross these off my to-see list.
Wishing you all a great week…