Monday, August 15, 2011 need a kick in the pants.

So this is way harder than I expected. I guess several big life changes at once are a bad idea. I finished treatment, I left my parents house after 5 months and moved into a new apartment in New York... yesterday. While I am super excited about my new location, my roommates, etc... it's just so much harder than I expected.

I feel alone. I feel like I'm going to get sicker eventually, so why try. I feel like I just want to go back to my parents couch and sit with them and watch tv. I tried to watch the shows we normally watch and couldn't even get into them. I tried to play words with friends (something I have done every day since being in the hospital) and I didn't have any words to play. I can't figure out my purpose and why this is all happening to me, and it's just so terrifying and makes me feel so alone.

I'm going to dinner at a very dear friends house tonight and I suppose that will be good. I just want to give up but that is not in my nature at all. I just didn't expect to have this much trouble.

I'm asking everyone - please pray for not only my health, but for my spirit. I know that I will get through this with a smile, just right now it feels extremely hard and isolating.


SHolmes said...

Hi Emily,
I will definitely be praying for you! Although that is so exciting about your new apartment and everything, I completely understand that alone feeling you are talking about. I am living at my parent's house, but even then I will get a feeling of being alone, not physically, but mentally. I feel like it's hard for most people to understand all that I have gone through, and I am sure it's the same for you as well. Hang in there, and I am sure once you adjust to the new changes in your life everything will get better!

Scott said...

Hey Emily-
As brain tumor patients, our futures are unsure, so we do have to fight apathy a lot. I guess we are reminded more than most people about our own mortality. I feel fortunate that when I went through my surgery and radiation, that I didn't get too down, and that helped me through the whole ordeal. I'm hoping some good stuff will happen for you soon to keep up your spirits, and keep fighting hard. My best to you.